Mom, my depression is a shapeshifter
One day it’s as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear
The next it’s the bear
On those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone
I call the bad days “the Dark Days”
Mom says try lighting candles
But when I see a candle I see the flicker of a flame
Sparks of a memory younger than noon
I am standing beside her open casket
It is the moment that I learn everyone I will ever come to know will someday die
Besides Mom, I’m not afraid of the dark, perhaps that’s part of the problem
Mom says I thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed
I can’t, anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house inside of my head
Mom says where did anxiety come from
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party
Mom, I am the party, only I’m a party I don’t want to be at
Mom says why don’t you try going to actual parties, see your friends
Sure I make plans, I make plans I don’t want to go to
I make plans because I know I should want to go I know sometimes I would have wanted to go
It’s just not that fun having fun when you don’t want to have fun Mom
You see Mom each night Insomnia sweeps me up in his arms dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove-light
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company
Mom says try counting sheep
But my mind can only count reasons to stay awake
So I go for walks, but my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists
They ring in my ears like clumsy church bells reminding me that I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot
Baptize myself in
Mom says happy is a decision
But my happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
My happy is a high fever that will break
Mom says I am so good at making something out of nothing and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying
No Mom I am afraid of living
Mom I am lonely
I think I learned that when Dad left how to turn the anger into lonely the lonely into busy
So when I say I’ve been super busy lately I mean I’ve been falling asleep on the couch watching SportsCenter
To avoid confronting the empty side of my bed
But my depression always drags me back to my bed
Until my bones are forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city
My mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves
The hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with the echoes of a heartbeat
But I am just a careless tourist here

I will never truly know where I have been
Mom still doesn’t understand
Mom, can’t you see
That neither can I

You’ll forget all the times you had your heart broken..
You’ll forget all the times you had your heart broken…

How many times have you had your heart broken?
How many times have you had your faith stolen, by these guys that promise you everything.

Only to find that behind their clever lies in the skies they seem to have fooled you, schooled you into thinking that you finally found the one
Your soulmate
You feel your fate has been decided
And then…?
Then they leave.
And you are…?
You are alone, again.
Wiping the tears off into your sleeve.

How many times have you been unable to sleep?
Because the one that you’d keep forever isn’t by your side.
You try and… close your eyes but all you see are memories
Hidden deep within the crevices of your soul are stories unforetold, visions of growing old together.
Visions of your hands intertwined,
Walking barefoot through the sands of time,
For what you feel feels like forever.

You lie there and fantasize about the familiar smell of his cologne
Only to find that it makes you feel more alone than ever.
You start to cry but it doesn’t help…
The tears flow down and you wish that they would drown the pain you feel
But you soon realize that tears just make the pain feel even more real.
Your friends tell you that you need to let go…
And lord knows you tried.

But regret still occcupies the space between your arms where he used to lie.
It’s strange how much pain a broken heart can make.
The same emotiones it gives, it can also take
Feeling of sickness that linger long into the night
Too bad that there’s no medication for heartbreak.

Listen, you think you’re alone, but you’re not!
Its’ not about what you want, it’s what you’ve got.
Reach deep into your soul and pull out that strength thats been hiding inside all this time.
And soon you’ll find that state of minde will change for the better, you can…
Right out this tough weather and when the rain has passed and the wind has amassed to just a gentle breeze, you’ll find.
That pain
Is like the tides of the ocean
It comes and it goes
Just, just take it slow
And soon your heart will grow back to what it once was.
You’ll pick up the pices of all those broken dreams
And altought it might seem tought to pick yourself up from that hole you’ve fallen into.
Don’t ever lose faith that somdedays you’ll get what you deserve
Someday someone will love you so much that they’ll give you the world.
And maybe then..
you’ll forget all those times you’ve had your heart broken.

“Speak only when your words are better than silence.”
Thousands of years ago, someone invented the idea of impermanence …
Of beauty and the inevitability of change.
That person was sure to have been dumped

It took me time to appreciate the memories.
It took me time to get used to the idea that if something is not forever, the value does not necessarily fade.
Maybe it was just a rationalization.
Easier than to mourn something that could have been, the unlived life.

Me, I really don’t know
But I chose to believe in the memories.
And certainly not in him.
I wanted to believe that our bond had never been broken, that we were carrying each other in our hearts as a secret peculiarity.

He made me this of me.
He made me the frightened me who I am.
There were other loves, even great loves. But I was right.
Ours was not perfect.
I do not know if I will ever see him again.
And whether that’s good or bad.
But I can guarantee you this:
Whatever happens, you’ll continue to mourn for a long time!
But eventually you’ll find someone else.
You will not feel the same for the other, it will confuse you, frighten you.

But you’ll be happy.
That is what counts.

Are you happy now?

I know I didn’t know you well, and I still don’t know you well but I did not know that I did not know you well.

I would have to say thank you because I made it today.
And thank you that I have made it today.
I should say thank you that I’m still alive, but I live as an unseen, unheard of and unwanted person.
Thank you that I’m alive.

You could not repair what you broke,
You could not keep what you lost
You could not beat what made you lose.
I could not breathe, I could not say your name, I could not know what was good.
I never learned it. You’ve never taught me.
I had to do it all alone. I had to teach myself how I should deal with him.
How I should cope if my heart was broken, if my feelings were played with, if I wanted to cry out when I had to be quiet.
It felt as if could not breathe. I could not breathe. My nose did not let the air pass and my lips could not open to let out the breath I had sucked in. I could not breathe.

If I had the chance to see you again? I’d run away.
I should know better, I would have to stay, I’d have to say that my childhood was horrible without you.
I had to teach myself to deal with good and bad things. To laugh when I wanted to cry, to be still when I wanted toshout, to sleep on after a nightmare about you.
I left without a goodbye, without a single memory.
What, who and where am I?
Do I have no feelings? Am I ill? Am I blind, love has made me so blind I can’t see the good in anything anymore?
Where do I begin again? Where should I stop? Is that it? That, which I will have to teach myself now?

The human brain is strange, it’s scary, and so transparent.

You would think that you would take to the correct . That’s his job, right? It should tell you what is good and what is bad.
You, you held me on a path, a path that went a different way than I wanted to go…
I do not know how to keep myself moving on, to be able to say thank you every day that I’ve made it again, that I’m still alive.

Thank you that I will still live that day!

Chameleon.

I want to be a chameleon.
People who supposedly say they don’t care but finally worry about everything.
People who don’t get over things once were “important” to them.
People who show them self as “self-confident person” to other people but collapse trough their legs when they are alone. The “they must be happy” people.
The “they must have confidence” people. The “they have to be open to things” people.

Yes those people I call Chameleons.

I want to possess some characteristics that are unique.
I want to live in a subtropical and tropical area, where I can forget what kind of scary world this is.

This is a scary world …
You’re whole life you are telling yourself “you can’t be strong enough or just not even capable.” You’re not strong enough to play this hopeless game in this hopeless world.
You are looking for a “yes” but you always walk in to a ‘no’.
You see people staring and talking … but do they look through you or do they look at you.

YES, that’s why I want to be just like a chameleon and look 360 degrees around me and that without turning my head.
People steal your colors, they make it all black and then ask why you radiate no color?
Chameleons don’t understand these kind of people.
They don’t understand why people like to see other people fail, why they always want the best of the best
Chameleons have this amazing gift or opening up to anything with a heartbeat. Vulnerability is our second language Because we’re addicted to making connections with people.

Chameleons trust people very quickly even if they know in advance that they would never be good. And every time those people fail in being “good” (completely lost their color) even then they give these people a chance to get the beautiful colors.
Does any of that sound like you?

If so, congratulations!
You have the most beautiful and precious qualities a person can have.
Maybe people will accept you, Maybe they won’t.
But you’re a chameleon and no heart shattering experience will ever stop you from loving everything unconditionally.
And that’s quite an amazing trait to have.

So just keep being the adorable chameleon That you are!

You’re looking for someone, you find someone but then realise there is no one like you.

I can not live with someone else yet, someone else who isn’t you.

“Our relationship is over” I move on, you move on and suddenly it doesn’t work.

I suddenly have the urge to say I want you back ,I want your smile ; you’re irresistible look, even the sweat that you gave to me when you hugged me after the match.

You can’t choose when you’re over someone.

You can’t put a time on it like “now I’m going to eat Now, I go to sleep, now I do this or now I will do that ”

That’s the hardest part about getting over someone.

A couple of days are going well and you are forgotten about him and then something reminds you of him and inside you start collapsing.

“I need to move on, I will move on, i am moving on.”

Maybe sometimes I want to fix everything back at the speed of a second, like fixing you, fixing the things that happened between us, fixing how you are selling yourself to other girls … but I’m not a doctor, I can’t fix it.

I can’t do it.

Go forward!

Suddenly everything stops …

The hour-long talks.

Good morning and goodnight text messages…
“You’re well and should continue”

that’s the only thing we can delude ourselves, but do we believe that?

Dear strong child,

I really know what it feels like, what it feels like to be crying while hating yourself on the ground. I know why you can’t eat. Or why you could not get out of bed for days.

The words “I do not love you anymore” are being whispered in your ears for nights. There is nothing good around you and you think that will never come.

He made a promise and he broke it.

Dear strong child,

I really know how it feels, how it feels to have to get up now, you have to get up and look further than you can see. You should not hate yourself for the things he did to you

I know it’s difficult to eat, but don’t let him also take away those tasty pizza’s and chocolate cakes. Pull your stinky clothes off where you have been crying in for days, put something nice on. Make sure the words “I do not love you” disappear in your head. Let it be “I don’t give a fuck about you anymore.” Everything around you is still the same as before except now you will have to find someone that wants to go further in that world He made a promise and he broke it.

Yes, him!

He broke it.

There are days

There will be days that everything’s looking to go well. You’re just like a little angel on a cloud that thinks she is over it, over all the misery in which she has suffered.

The very next day you’re back tired.

Every day is long …

Everyone is happy

And you can’t see how you can also be as happy again….

In this world there are different places. In your eyes all those places are coloured except for the place where you are, except that place is totally colourless.

you wish it was back like yesterday …

you want a good, nice, painless day …

But its impossible … ”

It is impossible to repeat those good ,nice ,painless days, it’s impossible , it’s not possible today.

I know he said beautiful things and I know he looks beautiful

.. .but So are flowers too.

Dear strong child,
i don’t know you

I don’t know your middle name

I don’t know your pain of missing that guy

I don’t know your daily rituals but what I do know is that you are strong enough to go further
to go further on a way you deserve
I know you can handle this with or without him

I love you and thank you for reading this incredibly long confession/rant,

you strong child!